John Louis (grail76) wrote in dominant_ideas,
John Louis
grail76
dominant_ideas

varried intimacies

So one day I'm reading this victorian setting mystery. We come to the reason the wife is so calm about the death of her husband. He'd insisted on ...

... that act. In Victorian times, the novel would suggest, it was an ultimately degrading act that couldn't even be mentioned by name.

It was also highly effective birth control.

So, I'm talking to my friend from California and she just chuckles at the way it's used in the novel. "Over here. Me, me!!" was how she reacted to the suggestion her husband might want to take that liberty.
Clearly, there are wide ranges of attitudes on this.

Recently --
I've been talking with a sub (she says she's a sub, I say she's a bottom--we continue to discuss this) who insists that she's totally submissive except that she won't deal with anal sex, that's a red flag hard limit and swallowing. I ask her what her thinking is on anal sex. Has she tried it?
Yes, she had, but not with her dom. She'd tried it repeatedly with her vanilla lovers and had decided she didn't like it.
Now, I'm fine with being told someone doesn't like anal sex. What I had difficulties with was the "submissive" part in the equation. She'd accepted it from more than one vanilla lover but when it came to submitting to her dom, it was off limits. I stated confusion. I also suggested it was an effect of having college age lovers who didn't know what they were doing.
I bring it up only to show there seem to be a wide range of variationsin attitudes.
I've hit a lot of different attitudes about anal from submissive women. To summarize them to the bare limit of recognizability --
a. "I just don't feel right doing it." (Cleanlieness)
b. "It just doesn't feel right." (Sensation)
c. "I love it, it feels so dirty!" (Button pushing, kink)
d. "I enjoy it. I cum almost as easily from that as from vaginal sex."
e. "I feel so submissive when my dom does that." (Button pushing-D&s)
f. "I accept it from my dom; it's his right." (Button pushing, mild-D&s)
g. "I can really relax that way. I can't get pregnant."
----
From tops and switches,
h. "I want to try everything."
i. "I like it. And if I tie up my boy, I can have it as a dominant act."
j. "Don't even think about it."
k. "Why should my sub have all the fun?"

The only how to's I'll list is of course, "lube, lube, and more lube," and "Slow and steady wins the race." One sub is still having trouble with her top on it because the better it feels for him, the more excited he gets and the harder it is to go slow. The downside of success.

Now from the top's point of view, the way I approach it is that nothing is being held back by the sub. It's an intimacy. I want intimate acts to be ones that we both enjoy so, I'm worried about her reaction to the act. I want her, when it's over to think, "Wow, that was fun. Can we do it again?"

Recently I was with a submissive who had bad associations with anal sex, but who wanted to get over them. I've spent a lot of time lubricating and massaging her ring. I always stop while she's still enjoying it. I've managed to shift her thinking from, "This is like that time I really didn't like it," to "I hope he does a little more of this." I'm expecting it to take a while to overcome her older memories of it, but so far we're both enjoying what's happening.
And you know what? Not having anal sex, just teasing her about it becomes a sensual event, an increase in intimacy.
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